Livin' it up, American style

Monday, November 13, 2006

What everyone needs to know before they run for political office.

So you're thinking of running for Congress. First, start low in lesser known offices that will still give you some name recognition and some campaign experience. You should start off in your county prosecutor, county commissioner type jobs. Then you work your way to being a state senator.
You'll have to work hard when holding lower political offices in the country and district level. You want to work on building your base of supporters, and finding some rich people and oil companies to make frequent donations, or use some of your family's money that they earned from being in the Youngstown mafia. But don't admit that, just say the money is from all the high-quality shopping malls your family owns. Stay as a state senator a few years, then decide if you want to run for the US House or the Senate.

If you're going the House route, state senator is an excellent springboard. Try running directly for the House from this position. If you want to run for Senate, it's going to take a little more work. Run for a state-wide office like state auditor, state attorney general, or secretary of state. After your term is up in that position, decide whether you want to just be a Senator, or if US president is more your thing. If you think you want to be president, then run for state governor. You'll have a much better chance of being elected president as a former governor than as Senator.

You can also just wait for your local House Rep or Senator to be involved in some kind of scandal, or dig up some dirty work he's done, or wait for him to retire, then run for office. You might fail the first time, but at least even more people would get to know your name. And try not to be involved in any scandals or say anything racist or sexist, unless you are calling your opponent a racist or sexist. That's ok to do.
It's also sometimes ok to have extramarital affairs, just don't get caught beating her. (See Don Sherwood) And if you do get caught in an indelicate situation, just appear on TV with your wife and apologize very sincerely, and talk about realizing how much you hurt your family, and be sure to mention God and the massive amounts of praying you are doing. That should get you out of trouble. Oh, and make sure it's not a gay affair, because you can't really apologize your way out of that. You pretty much blow all your chances of any political office with that mistep, specially if you built your reputation on a family values/gay-bashing platform. Watch out for the car accidents/involuntary vehicular homicide scandals too, only people with the last name of Kennedy and...and...ok, only Kennedys can still get reelected under those conditions.

One popular way to try to defuse a scandal is to admit alcohol and prescription drug abuse, and enter rehab, whether you were an addict or not. It helps deflect attention from the real scandal, and makes it look like you are sincerely trying to change for the better. This strategy helped House Rep Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) get reelected after crashing his car into a Capitol barricade and then appearing very drunk/drugged to the cops. But of course it doesn't always work, as the now disgraced Mark Foley and Rev Ted Haggard can testify. Maybe it's just a Kennedy thing. Having a very well-known last name will get you far too, like Kennedy, Bush, Schwarzeneggar, Dole, Clinton, Oscar Mayer. It's even easier if you can just win a position almost purely out of your connection to another famous person, or if your father or mother previously held the same seat you're running for. Heck, sometimes your daddy will even go ahead and give you the political seat you want, just ask Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) how that works.

But really, however you chose to go about it, I wish you luck in deciding to run for political office. And money, I wish you tons of money, cause otherwise you don't have a chance.


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